Well, it's been a lifetime since i actually updated anything. And to be honest, these past months have been one of my most exciting.

So here I am...married...in Sweden...and it's snowing outside. My lips are cracked, my ears feel like they're gonna fall off soon and my toes are probably blue under all that dark toe skin.

Hooray!

To commemorate my new beginning and for reminiscing about my unwritten months...i have a new blog so please head on to dianmatni.blogspot.com

That will be where I place my many thoughts and dreams....berangan kan...

Finally the wheels are a-turning for this wedding I'm supposed to be having this November.

And apparently I seem to have forgotten to tell my 2 closest gal cousins the teeny tiny detail of the wedding date...actually make that the wedding YEAR.

OOPS....

So I guess I deserved that scream in my ear when I finally called one of them and happened to mention that I was upset cos it was only 10 months to my wedding and nobody seems interested. Hmm...maybe that's why people don't seem interested?

OOPS....

Well, I'm not that upset anymore...seeing how the wheels have come off the brakes and finally gotten to a reasonable speed. Not as high a speed as I would have liked but a decent pace anyway. So I'm satisfied...for now.

But I'm still searching for the wedding clothes to rent, someone to do my hair and make up and some form of entertainment (which does not include Karaoke. No thank you!!). Trying to use my days off to search for them with my mum although I'm usually so tired that I spend my day off sleeping the day away.

Mum has been surprisingly good and supportive throughout this process, well from the time that she finally got off her butt and started doing something that is. We've hardly quarreled. Or rather she's hardly risen her voice beyond a level and pitch I can't stand and she hasn't been as overbearing as I thought she would be. But I think the most part that is because she and I both have relatively similar ideas about what the wedding should be like. By that I mean, the level of tradition allowed to permeate through.

But I guess a large part of it is because of the fact that I'm gonna marry a Swede. I want to have as much tradition in my wedding as I can without it being too stuffy just so he and his family can experience a little of my Malay/Javanese culture. Well, more Malay than Javanese anyway. I'm actually excited about the fact that my wedding day would not only be a day that I show off my good looking husband (he ain't no Brad Pitt but he's one heck of a looker to me), my pretty clothes and the pretty throne I will be looking down upon my subjects with(bwahaha!). But it's also the day that I can show off my culture to him and his family.

It will be an experience for them. Oooh...can't wait for my wedding day!

**isn't it amazing what 2 weeks can do to one's level of crazy? This week it's on mid low**

I don't get it. I simply don't get it. I'm counting and there's almost exactly 10 months to the day that I am supposedly getting married. To a man who supposedly loves me and will do anything for me.

And I have a mother who, after years and years of ranting and raving at me to shape up and try to look at least presentable so I don't get left on the shelf, should be incredibly relieved that some poor bloke has been foolish enough to offer (without coercion) to take this poor girl from the dreaded shelf and marry her.

And yet, the actions of these 2 very persons for the past months have been anything but joyful, excited and NOBODY seems thrilled and nervous with anticipation...except me.

I just don't get it. Am I the only one who is excited about the prospect of getting married? Am I the only one who feels a bit of an urgency to get things at least moving since I only have 10 months to get everything settled and I only have the groom-to-be a mere 4 weeks in June to get everything that requires his physical presence done?

Or am I just freakin crazy?

I think i am going crazy cos apart from my dearest friend Faridah, I don't seem to feel any FIZZLE of excitement from anyone else. Not even my parents. Nobody bothers to mention anything about my wedding unless I start off first. Ok, I understand that this wedding is mine so why should anyone else butt in unless asked right? But doesn't anyone care how things are going? Doesn't anyone care that the bride is starting to lose her mind and her drive cos even the groom is MIA on this one?

And most of all, this bride-to-be is starting to get MIGHTY MIGHTY pissed with this whole affair and is very very quickly starting to get a serious attack of cold feet. Or rather abandoned feet. Cos that is how this particular 'bride-to-be' is feeling right now.

Totally and utterly abandoned. By family, by friends and most of all the man she had agreed to marry.

This is all starting to feel like a bad dream....

It has been more than a quarter of a year since my last entry. Gosh! That's long! And so much has happened during these 3 months or so that I feel a little overwhelmed to tell all.

Work has been challenging and settling into it is a daily struggle that I'm still going through. More than anything, I'm realising more and more things about myself that had always been there but I never saw it til now. And they are both good and bad. Kudos to my friends, family and fiance for being able to see past all the bad and still keep me close to their heart.

My personal life and personal time has drastically deteriorated even though most of my friends and family are on the same island as me now. And at times I feel even more distant from them than when I was living in another country which makes me a little sad.

More than anything, I want to have as much personal time as I can right now and spend as much time as I can with those close to me. But unfortunately that has not been happening. Maybe it's me not having enough time because of work or friends who are simply busy and the fact that our work schedules always clash. I honestly regret that because I know that by next year, I will not have this anymore. Unlike when I was living in Phuket for work where I knew that I would eventually come back and we can always rekindle that friendship. I know for a fact that the next time I move from Singapore to live in another country, that will be permanent. I will not have those same friends and family by my side anymore and I know that I will miss them to the very core of my heart. And that is why I feel this urgency to try and spend as much time as I can with them.

BUT IT'S JUST NOT HAPPENING! And I feel so saddened by it. I feel so tired by it and makes me miss those that are far away even more. People like Mathias, Praisie, Toy, Maan, Luck, Sue and Miss Banana. And it's nobody's fault but my own. My erratic schedule and my fatigue at the end of a long work day makes me just want to fall into bed and not get up until I have to go to work again.

What a vicious cycle this is. What an utterly depressing vicious cycle this is. Do I have the strength of body and mind to break it?

I don't know. I honestly don't know anymore.

My first round of orientation is officially over. We will be having another round in 60 days and another one in 90 days, which would mark the end of my probation period.

I must say it was a very enjoyable 3 days of getting to know my workplace, my company history and of cos meeting fellow colleagues who are also recent hirees. Although it took us some time to get used to each other and feel comfortable around one another, we really got into the training after we passed that barrier.

2 very memorable characters are the 2 ladies who sat next to me. To my left was this very loud, talkative and friendly girl who is not afraid to speak her mind and even though she does not speak as fluently as some people, I must say that I find her to be a girl with a lot of experience who has a very sharp mind.

To my right is someone who is almost the exact opposite. Just by looking at her and listening to the way she speaks, one can tell that this is a sophisticated, mature and smart lady. She speaks English fluently and even though she holds a very high position (ranks above us!) she is very down to earth and does not hold any airs at all. I couldn't tell that she had such a high position until I caught sight of her nametag. And after spending time with her, one tends to forget that she is so high ranking. That is how likable, nice and friendly this lady is.

Not to say that the others are not great. But it's just that these 2 ladies had such an impact on me. And I certainly hope that even though this orientation is over, we won't lose touch. It is difficult to maintain that level of relationship when one works in different depts and may have opposing shifts.

I was not really looking forward to what awaited me after the training. I had to dress in my uniform and report to my manager, someone that I feel quite intimidated with. It wasn't that I was intimidated by his appearance and neither was it that he was unfriendly in any way. As a matter of fact, he is a nice man who always looks interested and is undeniably intelligent.

It's just the way he looks at me that unnerves me. Everytime he speaks to me and makes eye contact, he always seems to me to be trying to read my mind. And he does ask questions that tell me that he is wondering what I am thinking. And I do find that a little unsettling. It makes me more nervous that I should be, makes me say things that I normally don't say and makes me stiffer than I usually am.

Hmm...my shifts change weekly which is good and bad. At least in that way, I am never stuck in a shift for too long but it also makes my schedule quite erratic which may make it difficult for me to meet up with friends. Especially my busy busy gang.

But I keep hearing that work will be tough so I hope I can handle it all. After all, this is Singapore environment....light years away from what I went through in Phuket.

Good luck to me!!

I know I should be really excited about my new job but for some strange reason I am not. I am more intimidated, unexcited and dreading the hour when I had to actually show up on my first day. I think this might largely be due to the interview that I had had for this job. This was the ONE interview that I had actually with the feeling that there was absolutely no hope. So it was a true surprise when I got the call from them offering me the job.

Though I do like the location of the job and working for a company that is dynamic and so well established and prestigious, there is still that nagging feeling left over from the interview that the Front Office manager doesn't really prefer me. He was never mean or anything like that during the interview. He was actually quite friendly and rather nice but I still felt some sort of negative vibe coming from him.

Could this just be me over-obsessing again?

Of cos darling dear tries to assure me that they would never have hired me if I wasn't up to the job or was unsuitable. That is true of cos but I just can't shake the feeling that maybe he didn't have much choice but to hire me. Who knows?

It's true...I think I'm over-obsessing again. But I still can't shake it off and it is a real bad start to a job, don't you thnk?

So anyway, today was my first day at that place and quite a bad start I really did have. I was told that all I had to do was go to the Housekeeping dept to pick up my uniform. I had already gone down twice upon request for uniform fitting and even though my uniform situation wasn't much for celebration, I thought it was fine for the day I started work today.

I was in for a bit of a surprise.

First, the lady at the counter couldn't find my uniform no matter how she looked.

GREAT...

Then, she gave me a uniform that was 2 sizes too big. But I thought at least it's not too small and the jacket sort of fits so it can help cover the fact that I can fit in another leg into my skirt. But since I didn't have a locker yet, she told me I could change at the changing corner in the Housekeeping room.

When I finally got my uniform on, I asked her about the cufflinks. She looked at me blankly.

HAI....

I had specifically asked the seamstress the last time I saw her last week about the cuff links. But she had told me that I didn't need to bring those cos it would be provided for.

How wrong she was. So very very wrong.

So there I am in a uniform too big, having to wear uncomfortable black stockings that I'm so afraid may run anytime and cuffs that I have no clue how to button.

How much worse can this get??!

But the very kind housekeeping lady managed to find me a pair of cufflinks that someone had left in the Housekeeping room. Even though one side had a large stone missing, beggars can't be choosers so i took them. As long as I returned them at the end of it.

After all it does belong to someone. And she didn't know who.

I was so not looking forward to the rest of the day if things remain at the level of lousy it was. But by that time, it was time to go to the HR office and get things settled.

The rest of the day was a training session of sorts to learn more about the company history and work philosophy. It was all very interesting and the people in my orientation turned out to be rather fun people and easy going.

But what luck to start my job during the fasting month. Especially with this orientation. We were split up into 2 tables of 4 and each table were generously supplied wih potato chips, water, chocolates and gummy bears. And apart from the lunch break, we were also provided with a morning and an afternoon break. Complete with finger foods, cookies and an assortment of teas and coffee.

HAI...oh well...I guess this is what Ramadhan is about. TAHAN....COBAAN (trials & tests of the will)...

HAI...

Been working the past 2 weeks at a local hospital near my house as a clerk for a flu vaccination drive. The pay may not be much but at least it keeps me busy, connected and I get paid.

Plus I do get benefits thru staff discount at all outlets here and I got free flu vaccination and health screening, both of which I had never done before. Hai...for someone who is afraid of needles, getting pricked TWICE can be potentially traumatic but grit my teeth I did and went thru with everything. After all free what, I'm Singaporean plus it's my last day today so must get everything done.

Free stuff + Singaporean = Must Do! Must Try! Must GET!

As with any new job, I started with a bit of nervousness although looking back, I had nothing to worry about. There are 2 general groups among us namely the nurses (aunties) and the clerks (youngsters on vacation except me! ). And since there are 3 stations, we are all divided up into 3 teams made up of 2 nurses and 2 clerks.

I must say that I was very very lucky to have my team. The nurses are very relaxed and easy going and my fellow partner and I get along very well. We spent the past 2 weeks literally just hanging out cos we have fun chatting with each other that it doesn't feel that much like work. And since I am a good 7 years older than my partner (waaah!!), he seems to look upon me as a big sister and likes to listen to me talk. He actually seems genuinely interested ahd enthusiastic which makes it a joy to work with him.

And since we are both just as enthusiastic, cheerful and talkative, we get along very well. He keeps mentioning about how he had been very nervous about being stuck with someone who is cynical or aloof. So I guess lucky for us both.

The only thing about working here is actually the aunties from the other 2 teams. Each of the 2 other teams have 1 auntie that is nice and another that is what I call a little power hungry. And when all the aunties come together at the end of the day to count vaccines and finish up whatever admin thing we have to do, that is when it gets noisy. Be it quarreling or just chatting, aunties in general can be very noisy. And that is when the rest of us clerks start squirming cos we're fast approaching our decibel count limit. And when they finally tell us that we can go, we all literally run out in relief. hee hee...

Speaking of RELIEF...I was on a bus yesterday on my way home when I saw another bus passing by. As the bus disappeared down the road, I caught a glimpse of the ad on it's back and I couldn't help but be amused.

A lot of times, ads are provocative, thoughtful, makes you wonder and therefore interested which makes it an effective campaign.

But there are times when one encounters an ad that epitomizes simplicity, succintness and sends out a message that is acutely direct and unbendingly clear. The bus ad I saw had such a poster pasted on the back. Even the product name gives a clear, concise summary of what it can do for you.

This was what I saw next to a picture of an innocent looking long necked bottle:-

LAXTUS :  Sweet Relief from CONSTIPATION.

And the word 'constipation' was really in bold red capital letters. I think no other explanation is necessary in this case. Do you?

Went out on a romantic dinner cum picnic under the stars last night. We held hands as we made our way across the road, towards the picnic spot with the breeze cooling our senses and gently ruffling our hair.

The sky was clear, the view was beautiful, the food was delicious and the company very pleasant. We shared a lot of laughs, silly stories and funny anecdotes as we enjoyed the cuisine that was spread out in front of us.

And all this was done while we watched a movie in an outdoor cinema at the Padang.

And no, I was not flirting with some other guy tho looking at the numerous couples around us made me miss my fiance so much more. Went to watch "Just Like Heaven' with Francine (she's still on leave) cos I won 2 free tickets through some contest that I entered while surfing online during the drudgery of my idle days 2 weeks ago.

We bought great tasting food from Thai Express (where else but my fav restaurant right?) and Soup Spoon and made our way over to the Padang. The last time I had gone to Starlight Cinema was a few years ago when they were still screening at Fort Canning Park. I must say that screening it at the Padang is so much better. The view is spectacular and since it's a level field, I didn't have to worry about my bottles rolling downhill. The skyscrapers of the CBD area shot up from the horizon, illuminating the night and the architecturallly beautiful Parliament House sat regal to my right, watching over us as we enjoyed the night. The choice of location is excellent.

Fran had never attended any of the Starlight Cinema events so she was even more impressed by the whole thing and looked like she thoroughly enjoyed the evening. Being the people that we are, of cos we did a lot of people watching. I think the number of couples surrounding us far outnumbered the people who attended with their friends. This event is definitely a couples' thing tho I say it's great for hanging out with friends too. Plus I love picnics so of cos I'm biased. hee hee...

But the one thing that was definitely new for me was that they now had a VIP area in the front and the most interesting thing about that area is that it was dotted with numerous airbeds.

No, you didn't read it wrong. AIRBEDS! Pillows INCLUDED!  The type that you see on tv shopping channels that you blow up. haha! And there were even some that were fitted with RED bedding and candles. Now that is really the ultimate in a romantic date. Although if I was the girl i 'm not sure how comfortable I would be on that date with the knowledge that over 100 people are right behind me, watching the same movie. Possibly watching my every move. Like that cannot make out lah. Kiss also shy.

There were some 'commoners' in the general area who had airbeds too. Which got Fran asking, 'Are those for rent? How much do you think they cost?'

Hmm...it would be very fun to rent that thing. Especially if the entire gang was there and we all just sat around that bed, enjoying the movie.

I WANT AN AIRBED TOO!

Hai...seeing those airbeds made me and Fran wish that the gang was there too, Praisie included! (See lah! I invited you all but nobody wants. WASTED! Ok lah, next yr!)

I've always loved attending Starlight Cinema cos it's such a fun event to go for bcos of the whole outdoor cinema/picnic idea. Too bad that the event doesn't run for very long so by the time Mathias arrives, they've already stopped running. Hai...oh well.

At least I'll get to see him soon. Beggars can't really be choosers, can they?

I am not a small sized girl. Never have been, never will be. I know that trying to look like a typical small sized, delicately boned Asian is something that I really shouldn't aspire for. Cos it's impossible.

Nothing about me from the top of my head to the tip of my toes are of the 'right' size in the Asian (note: Singaporean mostly) context. My chest is too big (sideways AND frontways. Talk about rubbing salt into my raw wound!), my tummy seems to be growing (and I am NOT pregnant), my hips are too wide, my thighs are too thunderous and my feet are too big.

Most things listed above I suppose I can try to deal with thru proper dieting and exercise so I shall not touch on that. But who can help how big their feet are?

I have to buy new shoes for my new job since I no longer own any black court shoes. My jobs in Phuket have never required me to wear court shoes so I depended on strappy heels. But not anymore!

So now I have to buy black court shoes and that has been an ardous task. With all this talk about Singapore being a shopping paradise, one would think that it would be relatively easy to find shoes for myself. Especially seeing the growing number of expatriates and tourists we get every year. Boy, was I wrong.

And I'm not even trying to scrimp and save and not willing to pay for a good pair of shoes (I have friends who do say I am cheap. Not denying but only a little bit stingylah.). Even I realise that I will be on my feet all day so a good pair of shoes is very important and I was very willing to pay for the comfort.

Let's just say that I didn't even need to bother thinking about comfort level. Went out to town with Fran just to go look for shoes and we couldn't find a single pair that was in the right size.

NOT A SINGLE ONE!

And I wasn't even trying to be picky. I asked for the size of almost every single black court shoes I saw. And the biggest size they could come up with was a measly 8! Including Americaya, the supposedly ANG MOH brand (so ppl think should have ang moh size. Pooi ah! Fat chance!)

After a full day of nothing, it was starting to feel ridiculous. I can't find a SINGLE pair of shoes that fit me! Felt like Prince Charming looking for Cinderella except that I keep meeting unsuitable Cinderellas and can't find that one good shoe! ARGH!

It's very unhealthy when shopping is no longer therapeautic. I can no longer enjoy any form of retail therapy because now that I am back in Singapore, things either cost too much or they don't fit me. Having been away for 2 years and having such a fun time shopping in Sweden had made me forget just how tortorous shopping had been in Singapore.

Back to life...back to reality. What a bummer.

Someone left a Hearing Education Exhibition pamphlet in my booth and since I had nothing better to do, I began reading it. It was actually an exhibition the hospital is holding to create awareness of the hearing impaired condition and the various implants and solutions all these clever ppl have come up with.

And in reading all that material, I learned a lot about deafness. Let me share with you some of the information I found out and the various thots that run through my head as I read the pamphlet.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE HEARING LOSS?

• YOU FEEL THAT PEOPLE SEEM TO MUMBLE OR THEIR SPEECH SEEMS UNCLEAR

I just assumed that these people are too lazy to talk. Or have too many ulcers in the mouth.

• YOU OFTEN HAVE TO ASK PEOPLE TO REPEAT WHAT THEY SAID

That's cos I wasn't paying attention. A cute guy probably passed by and I got distracted. Happens a lot...

• YOU DO NOT LAUGH AT JOKES BECOS YOU MISS THE GIST OF THEM

I just call that poor language skills. If you don't understand the word, doesn't mean you're deaf what. Just means you need to read more!

• YOU FIND YOURSELF LIP READING

Hey, lip reading helped us all to better understand why Zidane head butted that Italian footballer, ok!

• YOU CANNOT HEAR THE DOORBELL OR THE TELEPHONE RINGING

Aiyoh, thats call screening lah. Sometimes you just don't want to talk to some ppl. Is that so wrong?!

• YOU ARE TOLD THAT YOU PLAY THE TV OR MUSIC TOO LOUD

Isn't is ironic that the people who usually tell you that are the old folks. The VERY ppl who are supposed to be SUFFERING from old age deafness? Amazing.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE CAUSES OF HEARING LOSS?

• EXPOSURE TO HARMFUL LEVELS OF NOISE

Uh oh...I'm in trouble then. My mother usually sounds like she swallowed a loudhailer. And when there's a family gathering, it's like a family of loudhailers got together for a shing-ding.

• HEAD INJURY

My brothers used to knock my head with their knuckles as they walked by me. Is that counted? It hurt...

• MENIERE'S DISEASE

Is that something that happens to you if you go to a French restaurant and don't understand the menu?

• OTOSCLEROSIS

Does that happen when an octopus doesn't get enough calcium? Can they even hear? I dunno..I don't see ears.

• OTOTOXIC MEDICATIONS

I'd better read the contents of my pills more closely from now on. Oh wait...I have a problem with medical terms. Never mind.

• OLD AGE

See honey, that's the reason why you have bad hearing. It's not just all that loud music you listen to. It's OLD AGE!!

Disclaimer: This post in no way makes fun of people who actually suffer from hearing impairment. It makes fun of the people I know who pretend that they cannot hear for their own benefit, including myself.